One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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