I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
