I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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