i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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