yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
