I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
