I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
