I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
