your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
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Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
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By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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