I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
People in love make me want to vomit
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
