I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
