he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
