I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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