Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
