I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
