Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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