Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
