just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
