Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
