I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
