Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
