She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my shit smells like andre
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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