i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
