You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
