I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
