she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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