I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
