he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
