Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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