I wish I could teleport
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
