Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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