I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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