my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
