eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
