i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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