I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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