I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So squirting runs in the family.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
