It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
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"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
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How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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