So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
