Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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