Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
