Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
