Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
