I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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