I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.