you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
