So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
