I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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