i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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