I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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