how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
