Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
