Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
