So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Randomize
