does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
