i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
