I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
