He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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